Copywriting Makeover: Facts vs. Fantasy (Part 2 of 2) by Karon Thackston © 2006 www.copywritingcourse.com

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In Part 1 of this article series (found here: http://www.marketingwords.com/articles/articles_copymakeover_facts1-11507.html) we discovered the challenge faced by the copy of Julie's Jewels Moissanite page. The original copy (found here:
http://www.copywritingcourse.com/juliesjewels-moissanite-original.pdf) was too factual for visitors to relate to effectively. I outlined the problems and the proposed solutions. Let's continue as I show you the rewrite and the results.

The Rewrite

Building excitement about Moissanite jewelry was a primary goal during the rewrite. These stones needed to be positioned above other manmade gems such as cubic zirconia. Their special qualities had to be brought to light while also evoking emotions that are associated with buying something rare, exclusive and truly exceptional.

I chose words and phrases including "spoiled for anything else," "alluring" and "wonder."

However, affordability also needed to be conveyed -- but without discounting the perceived and actual value of the stone. To accomplish this, I included mentions of how affordable Moissanite stones are along with verbiage describing the clarity, quality and excellence of these jewels.

You can view the revised copy (PDF) here:
http://www.copywritingcourse.com/juliesjewels-moissanite-rewrite.pdf.

In addition, Julie's Jewels faces some stiff competition from national retailers and other sites that carry Moissanite. There was really only one main phrase the page needed to be optimized for. The challenge with that, however, was using the term enough to make an impact with the engines, but not so much as to sound odd because of too much repetition.

The Headline

A huge change took place with the headline. The original headline was created with no appeal to the site visitor. Likely used strictly for navigation and search engine optimization (SEO) purposes, it merely listed the name of the page. The use of the simple term "Moissanite Jewelry" was replaced with a headline that clearly stated the primary benefit of this product:

"Moissanite Jewelry Offers Affordable Luxury"

The Opening Paragraph

The original copy used an opening paragraph that skipped from one topic to another. Beginning with information about Moissanite being created from minerals in a lab then jumping to the fact that this type of jewelry was available at wholesale prices, it needed some help in capturing and retaining the attention of the visitor.

In an effort to create a visual image for the site visitor, the new copy begins with:

"Once you experience the wonder of Moissanite jewelry, you'll be spoiled for anything else. This alluring stone has the brilliance and sparkle of a diamond, yet it is affordable on practically any budget. Moissanite is the hardest and most dazzling stone, second only to a diamond."

Because this is a category page on Julie's ecommerce site, photographs of Moissanite jewels in different settings are shown along with links to the associated pages. The original copy stopped there. With the new copy, I added brief descriptions underneath each image. This accomplished two things.

1) It allowed me to entice the visitor to click through to the page using both words and visuals.
2) It gave us additional opportunities to use Julie's keyphrase without sounding overpowering.

The Results

What was the outcome of this makeover? I'll let Julie tell you herself.

"I was on the 2nd and 3rd page of SERPs for this category. Now, I'm on page #1! The Moissanite page is now the 3rd highest entry page for the site. This page is the parent category for six sub-categories. Those sub-categories have seen nice jumps in traffic as opposed to a year ago (prior to copy rewrite). This not only helps the main category but sub-categories as well. I'm also getting double the contacts about Moissanite as a result of increased visitors on the Moissanite jewelry page."

Before you start listing facts and figures in your copy, take a little time to research how consumers buy that particular product. Because people don't react the same ways to every product or service, jumping to conclusions about how they buy can be a dangerous practice that's best avoided.

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